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sometime I wonder what trauma is, or even sometime I wonder if I have experienced something that can be deemed as ‘trauma’ before. Ofetn, I perceived my bad experiences in life as ‘it is not as bad as what people went through traumatically’, ‘therefore I am not subjected to trauma.’
I supposed I experience what I feel a trigger earlier on, to what I experienced before that can be deem as ‘traumatic’. I am not even sure if that is consider a trauma. But why am I denying my reality? I realized I have very little comfort in accepting that I have been hurt/mistreated, that I have a ‘weakness’ of my self. I do not like the idea that I ‘allowed’ myself to be hurt by another. Also followed by this false pretense that ‘I am strong’ and ‘nah that is nothing’.
So here’s the context. I was chatting randomly with a person about getting testimonials from an attachment superior. That little topic on ‘testimonial’ triggered great emotions in me, though I did not let the emotions just drown me as I was mindful about something coming up inside me. So this experience I had dates back to at least 2 years ago, when I was trying to get someone to write me a ‘testimonial’ of some sort, but was instead made to feel like ‘I did not matter’, I was ‘an extra’, I was ‘not worthy of the time’. I felt like I was brushed off, and was told to perhaps conjure something out first about my own achievements or experiences and to let the person go through and so can add in a few more bits before signing off. I mean, really? There is zero thing that the person can just write about me that is commendable? I have to write on my own? Then that’s not a testimonial right? That is almost like I write my own cover letter/ objective in a resume..? Am I overreacting, did I overthink? I know I was full of resentment, shame and sadness that I just replied it’s ok if you do not have the time (somewhere along that line), and I forgot how I ended it but definitely I get nothing written for me. All I can make sense was the person held a lot of resentment towards me, and it was a revenge. It was petty, it sucks, I feel suck, and I even have to empathise with the person. It’s messy.
The unexplained, unprocessed emotions (I totally cannot remember if I even processed it, and if I did, what were they), just sort of ‘die down’ over time cos I thought I moved on, I am fine, I know the faults not on me and bla bla blee bla bla bla.. But the emotions came up when I was triggered again cos of the topic in discussion and I was surprised. I can feel the ache and the chills in me. As though like I am a ‘nothing’, an ‘unworthy’ person who has been denied access. It really feels like an overreaction earlier on, and being that ‘strong person self’ façade me, I detested feeling this ‘weakness’. Perhaps people who know me will know they hardly see me ‘asking for help’ nor see me ‘not knowing’ (cos I need to know things and make sure I go research about it rather than just ask). Yea, that’s how insecure one person can be, and the person in this context is me, hah!
So yea, one little topic, brings back memory and emotions as far as 2 years ++. In my opinion, 1 year is long enough a distant past; even 1 week ago was old, but imagine 2 years and the emotions / experience still feels like new. “What a crap!”, that’s really how I feel and felt disgusted with having feel any emotions associated with that event. After acknowledging I was indeed hurt from that event, I realised I should acknowledge my feeling and take time to understand it rather than denying its existence to feel in power or in control. True, nobody likes to be put in that position where your power seems to be taken away from you after you muster your courage to ask for something, but denying the existence of the experience, the existence of the feelings inside, seems more damaging to the healing and growth in the long run.
So I thought of documenting this experience in this post, finding some resources online that are validating and grounding. There are some very helpful posts from Therapist, Nedra Tewwab, which I followed on IG, such as:
“you felt what you felt. And you are not imagine things” https://www.instagram.com/p/CQjGzw-Dmye/
“there are some things that you may never get over” https://www.instagram.com/p/CQgyXWYjtK5/ and it gets very real when out of the blue some topic, some image or some whatever reminds you of the bad experience(s) may send you back to that black hole again.
“I suffer when I dismiss what my body is trying to get me to notice” https://www.instagram.com/p/CP36Nm8jZ6s/
and the series of things we tell ourselves or tell others when they were mistreated: https://www.instagram.com/p/CPx75FCDqwh/ such as “they had it hard and sometimes they take it out on others. We have to try to understand them better.” No. It does not make you a saint.
And the many more resources on Trauma, Trauma responses, Trauma healing from the holistic psychologist, Dr. Nicole LePera, Psychologist, whom I followed on IG too:
post on ‘The Truth about Trauma’ , “after trauma occurs, if we were left to navigate the emotions + experiences alone, we will adopt shame-based beliefs”
post on ‘The Cycle of Trauma Responses’ , there is more than ‘fight, flight, freeze’ but also ‘fawn’. ‘Fawn’ is the most sneaky one hey!
and… I came across this thing about ‘gut’ here. I ever heard an ex-client, who describe the situation he/she experience as ‘gut with a rock weighing down’.
Writing this is my personal experience of how a mistreatment of a person led to me having this trauma experience. Writing this is not to drag people down to opening their old wounds or raw wounds, but if it does trigger anybody, I apologise. We all should have the right to process our own wounds in our own level of comfort, space and time. May you find the resources I posted here as helpful as I found them to be.
Strangely, writing it down is like an act of acknowledging it while processing it at the same time (though I know it may not be 100% yet), I feel better reaching the end of this post. Also knowing that there are many resources available to read into, to think, to reflect and to feel safe.
My last post was in May, and now it’s coming to end of July 2021. Time has become almost non-existence while we all navigate this current world overshadowed by Covid-19, violence, disagreement and unrest.
As I wrap up this post, I remembered this prayer shared by Dalai Lama, quoted in one of the talk I was watching yesterday from a Buddhist, Brother Benny Liow. He quoted Dalia Lama on this prayer:
“May all sentient beings have happiness and its causes.
May all sentient beings be free of suffering and its causes.
May all sentient beings always be joyful
May all sentient beings be in equanimity, free of bias, attachment and anger”
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till then
Estelle
